Is it wrong to feel happy and to enjoy life? Is it wrong to do something that draws smiles on your face? Is it outrageous to dedicate your time to “insignificant thinks”, things that can not be counted in money’s value, in tangible outcomes? How childish is the whole this concept of living the dream and follow the heart’s calling? Where the pathetic part ends and the realistic one begins?
Lately, I’ve been asked so many times about my job or about what I am doing. I didn’t know how to answer, except saying “I am living my life”. But then the second question arouse usually “Yes, I understand that, but what do you do for living?”, then I just should to come up with an explanation, telling about the project I am working on…somehow like an apology for doing nothing accountable, feeling the guilt and being afraid of not fitting in society’s patterns. I mean, looking from outside I might be perceived like a lazy person, because I am not stressed enough, I am not rushing like crazy to catch the last bus, I am not working a 9 to 5 job which I suppose to hate (I used to do that before), I don’t have a business type attitude, I speak to much about soul, dreams, life and inner callings…in a word – weird.
The fact is that I’ve never been happier then at this moment. I love so much to meet new people, to listen their stories, to analyze their diversity and life philosophy, to get a glimpse of their dreams. People inspire and supply me with energy. Every encounter is a mystery and magic moment which leaves an impact on my own life.
I love to learn all the time new thinks that’s why I jumped into a totally different field of activity. I love to have new experiences and that motivates me to approach challenges (not without being scared), to travel. I am passionate about reading because the books opened an entire new world for me. I prefer to live in present, observing and giving a meaning to each bit of the day …I am a dreamer, who believes that the life can be anything you want, it just depends how you perceive it. I crave for that special feeling of abandon, of “loosing yourself” through theater, writing, and just living.
I like digging in my soul and then to let it speak through written words. When I am writing is actually like a healing process for me, a communication with the universe, an act of falling in love and discovering the light of everlasting harmony. It is a magic moment when the mind is switched off and a totally other part of me is activated.
Well, I am doing all these things, but they seem to be meaningless to people. Are they actually? Until now everything worked perfectly for me, I never felt the lack of something…I am so grateful for everything I have. I feel the abundance of love, happiness, experiences, inspiration, harmony, health, friends, money… I don’t know how, but it just works for me.
The only thing that makes me doubt is the “comfort zone”. You never know when it captures you and the life becomes that “Sunday afternoon” which P. Coelho talks about. That means you are dead and nothing happens, everything is even and smooth…
I was used to fight with myself, to do things I didn’t like, to care about what people would say, to play a certain role…now, is a total opposite situation. Which one is the good one?
What am I doing? Was it a good decision? Am I losing time? Is it worth to fallow a naive dream? How much am I fooling myself?
I feel wonderful and I am not yet sure if I must feel like that, if I am allow to do that.
So, it seems I am facing a new struggle at the moment; again two persons dwells inside my body, each of them trying to argue its position. Well, I guess it’s not again, they always existed there, inside my brain or maybe soul, sometimes fighting …sometimes agreeing on a temporary peace treaty. I believe they are both right and wrong in the same time, because the line between them is vaguely perceived and in the end… everything is subjective.
All I know is that everybody should trust to his own guts, because the feelings and inner voice will let you know whether you’re following the right path or actually got lost while looking to the stars and not paying attention to steps.
There is no precise answer, every story is unique, every choice has a reason behind and certainly it somehow helps to build the future. All that today has no reason will make sense later. The way you feel today tells if you must go further or make a change, even if it is a strange and scary feeling, I figured is better to pursue it, otherwise you get stoked in the misery and unhappiness.
There is no guaranty of great achievements…but isn’t the journey most important then the destination?